Come back When You Can
by matash21
Summary: A monologue style extract about Willow's emotion's after Tara left during Tabula Rasa.


_**So, this is just a little extract I thought up well over a year ago when I was going through to little rough patch. **_  
_**It is Willow POV of when Tara left her after Tabula Rasa. Enjoy. **_

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I was infuriated and revolted that you chose to leave me, I felt wounded and deceived. I loved you so much but it was never enough for you, always feeling the need to control me and alter me to how you wanted me to be perceived, and that is what angered me. It's almost like you pushed me closer to magic's rather than pulling me away from them, as though you wanted a reason to go because you was never happy with me, I mean why would you be happy with me, I have no experience loving another woman before so why would you take me seriously? You just wanted a reason to say goodbye because you no longer loved me, and it was the easy way out in finding a flaw then coming straight out and saying it.

You have no idea how difficult it was saying goodbye to you, sure I was the one to blame but you are the only person in the world that completes me and I guess I never really fully appreciated you, but now you are gone I miss you like crazy and I know that there is this darkness inside me that is going to consume me if I don't stop soon. It's like once you left you also created a massive hole that nothing could seem to fill, except the magic's and it was beginning to consume me.

I don't think I have cried so much for anyone before, when you left it was almost certain you were never coming back and these last few years we spent together were wasted – I know now that they weren't wasted, because I got to spend them with a gorgeous, kind and overall wonderful person that and I would not change for a second that I spent them with you. "I am not going to see the love of my life ever again, because I am stupid and I could not see what was really here in front of me."

It is true that I didn't exactly give you any reason to stay and I betrayed your trust and mind, and I know what I did now was wrong and stupid, I just wanted us to be happy again, when magic was no issue and we fell asleep at night with no qualms or worries, unlike the last month or so of the relationship. I don't know why I didn't see it start crumbling in front of me, I believe I was naive and didn't think that it would happen to me because we were still happy together and that everything would be fixed in the end – but it wasn't, and now I never get to hold you again because you no longer trust me like you used to, let alone talk to me at all. I know we had come to depend on each other with our lives and without you I'm not sure I can get through a day anymore. It's like when I see something whilst walking down the street, something we would talk about, but now I just frown and realise that you are not here for me to talk with, and it makes me sad and angry. Sad because I know I blew the chance to live my life with a wonderful woman like you and angry because I let you go without much of a fight.

At this moment in time, I have come to accept the fact that you need and space to determine your own life, and even if I fit in it anymore. Maybe you will discover that you no longer desire me any longer, our time together thrown away and wasted, parting on rough terms. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it – as much as I try not to I cannot help it. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, just sit on my hand whilst I watch you make a new life without me in it. I want you to be happy, sure, but I also want you to be happy with me, but I can see that is not an option at the moment, I just hope that it may be an option in the future, for me to try and change your mind about how you feel about me and try to ignite the old spark that I still feel burning for you. I mourn every day for the loss of our once great relationship that we shared majestically together, gone now where only ruins and tears remain. I feel that the moments before I met you don't exist anymore because I cannot remember a time that we were not together, even over these few short years. You are my life – You were my life and now you are not here...

I know you cannot see into the future at the moment and you can't even bare to be in the same room as me without being awkward. And I know that you cannot trust me as far as you can throw me, but I hope that sometime in the future we finally can be civil with each other, because without you in my life I am empty. I would even settle to have you as a friend I see once in a blue moon then a stranger who I once dated because that would be a sad day when that happens and I don't think I could bare it. You are everything in my life and I am truly sorry I never got to see you for what you really meant to me before it were too late, and I know that that it is the biggest mistake I have ever made, letting you go.

So, Baby, know how much you mean to me because although I repeat this, you are my life and I am empty without you. I had become dependent on your companionship and at that moment it isn't there anymore and frankly I am just lonely and bored without you here. Life seems to elapse in slow motion every second that you are not by my side and everyday feels like an eternity when you refuse to look and speak to me, because I love you and I need you more then ever before, knowing what I have lost. It is true what they say, absence makes the heart grows fonder, and it has. My heart is willing and wanting to accept you with open arms.

Please, come back when you can, because:

I miss you...

I need you...

I love you...

Love, Willow.


End file.
